Uncategorized » Gritty Angel

“You can’t take your old baggage with you into the New Consciousness!”

~ Jim Self, Mastering Alchemy

Well it’s 2012 and my first post for the year as I come up for air… You see I’ve been literally down “the rabbit hole” of home renovations for the last two months. I woke up January 1st inspired and energetic to do a “clean sweep” of my home and it morphed into painting every room, new flooring and definitely my life with new ”aha’s” !

So time to take a deep breath, turn a fresh page for March and share what insights I’ve gained from this experience….

Number one would be embracing and diving into the resistance I had to “doing the work”! As some of you know, I have been wanting to sell my home since my husband’s passing more than 3 years ago. It’s an 18 year old home and like everything needed some updates. Quite frankly I would have preferred someone else do the work! My husband was a true handyman and could build/fix anything. I didn’t think I was capable and you know what I’ve learned? I AM strong and powerful (and Hardward store staff rock)! There is always good guidance available. Just ask!

As well there is tremendous stuck energy in the dance of avoidance. Just do it. Like eating an elephant, I took one room at a time. All I could mentally/physically manage and that worked. Small baby steps and you will be finished sooner than you think with that daunting project! This is the essence of life coaching. You are one step away from living the life you dream. What small step can you take today to get started?

Now I’m also a recovering Capricorn who hates chaos so I allowed “ordered” chaos room by room as long as I had one room that had some semblance of order to make me feel sane. I often had to breathe through the mess knowing this too shall pass as I stepped on carpet tack strips in the night! You have to have chaos first for reordering and allowing new beauty in your life.

Of course the other metaphor here has been literally cleaning the cobwebs of my life, letting go, throwing out the past! As I scrubbed each wall for painting, vacuumed the copious spiderwebs that festoon my high ceilings, I had to go into nooks and crannies that haven’t been visited in a long while. Poking, scraping, cleaning old layers of dirt and sponge painting (Just say “No” to wallpaper!) Kind of like our dark aspects that don’t want to be brought to the light! The process can feel yucky and mucky but so fulfilling creating clear new space. Space to breathe and create again!

And carpet? Talk about sweeping the dirt under! Ahem, I could have grown a small garden on what lay beneath… I know Adamus Saint Germain has an exercise in his Interdimensional Living Course to lie down and “smell” the different layers of consciousness in the carpet. Yup, it’s all there – including new puppies! It doesn’t disappear and better to to become conscious and aware and not live in denial of what doo doo lies beneath…

So often in life we “decorate” and primp and paint over old layers of pain and crap that never gets examined. Kind of like putting pink icing on bullshit as the expression goes for “positive thinking”. Not that we have to “process’ for years. Just recognize, acknowledge and allow it to surface and release with love and compassion.

So yes, with home renovations you can pay professionals to do the work… But when it comes to that interior reno for yourself there is nobody home but you! And you ARE a the Master Carpenter in your own life!

I love this! And still learning this… Learning to say Yes to myself and what feeds my soul and No to what feels like “feeding” others!

This takes discernment and true grit! I dare say most of us, especially the women reading this, were brought up to be “nice” and take care of others needs and desires before our own. Putting every body else first.

I was certainly raised this way and by a mother who’s mantra was “I give therefore I Am.” Her whole self image was wrapped up in what other people thought about her – and us! Yes a loving, giving women but by the time she was sixty, she had nothing left to give to herself and died a slow death of Parkinson’s disease. I remember once asking her if she noticed side effects of the drugs she was taking, and she remarked that her only brother, my uncle had been over and “she didn’t want to get up and do anything for him”. Oh wow! Truth. The meds were only balancing out her own internal imbalance that had created the dis-ease… I doubt she connected the dots.

With such a role model, you think I would be more vigilant about my own needs. And I have. But it’s been a battle. Constantly checking in to find out what I want and what makes me happy. And it’s been a journey of awareness. When the conditioning in our society is so strong to make others happy first, boy it takes courage to step out of that matrix. You get called selfish. Again – and again. You get called a bitch. Or a Gritty Angel!

It also takes courage to dare to live your own life and find out what you really, really want. Personally it’s taken me years to be honest with myself about my own needs and wants and put myself first. I realized and still do sometimes, that I really didn’t know what I wanted and needed that to be the quest above all else.

Sometimes its a process of removing what isn’t working in your life first, saying no to what doesn’t serve you to leave space for the unknown to show up. I find I usually know the “no” intuitively with the niggly feeling of resistance, “I don’t wanna”! I get in trouble when I ignore this and try to go along with the person or pack.

I find getting out of the mind helps and into your heart. Feeling what brings you joy and saying yes to more of that. It’s not usually “stuff”, but experiences. Experiences that make you feel alive and expanded. Clear and connected. Empowered. Excited. That “Christmas morning feeling.” In love with life – and yourself. If it feels good, say yes! Don’t think about it. Take a deep breath and do it!

As I say Yes more and more to Me and stop caring about what others think or say, I’ve noticed more flow. More abundance. More energy. More synchronicity. More of Who I really Am. And that feels damn good!

Hell Yeah! Bring it on.

“I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze. But I think maybe it’s both. Maybe both are happening at the same time.”

~ Forrest Gump Movie 1994

I’ve found myself lately ruminating about “memories”… what are they, what makes ‘em and why some are special and others fade? It seems we can’t plan memories, or manipulate them, or know usually until after the fact, what was unique and stays with us over the years…. Sometimes a photo captures it, or wisp of lace or dried flower with a lingering scent triggers it. Other times it’s a feeling that just washes over us in the moment. And we wonder “Where did THAT come from?” Sometimes I reach for a memory and nothing is there…

I know in my own life, it wasn’t necessarily exotic travels but the small things that I remember with palpable pleasure. When we visited Tofino on the coast of Vancouver Island and it rained heavily for days (it IS a rain forest for a reason), I remember with delight the cabin we rented with the skylights over the attic bed like a window canopy. I could curl up with my coffee and book, quite content not to venture out – like Snow White in the her glass sarcophagus. It wasn’t the world-famous sweeping beaches or whale watching that stayed imprinted like a tourist brochure. Rather the feeling of pure contentment in the moment of doing nothing. All was well.

You never know until AFTER the event what becomes the memory, what stands out? I use to work for a company that published an online career planning service for students. Something we promoted was that life needed both planning and “Gumping”. Our founder believed that like in the movie “Forrest Gump” that sometimes you needed to be like a feather, whereever you landed, there you were. So on holidays, I often found that allowing time for “Gumping” created the most amazing memories with no planning involved. Some of us know this as “syncronicity”.

One time on a camping trip to the Kootenay Valley, we came across a small flyer for a “Tipi Camp”. For a small fee, we were taxied by boat to a wilderness shoreline and given our own tipi tent canoe and wood fueled hot tub. Amazing adventure! This would never have happened unless we were open to being in the moment of other possibilities than provincial camp grounds – or Hilton hotels!

When I reflect back, I realize that most of the memories I hold dear were unscripted and unpaid for… Jumping into a cenote in Mexico. Soaking in wild hot springs in Oregon. Floating down the Penticton river channel drinking Coronas as the ducks followed. (Mmm, can’t you tell I’m a water babe?) Lying in my tent feeling the earth vibrate to the drum beat at a Medicine Wheel… All of these experiences evoke a feeling of pleasure and peace. Priceless.

What will tomorrow bring? I guess I won’t know until it’s over. The special remains of the day…

You could remain in these bodies indefinitely if you would allow your environment to continue to produce new, continuing, life-summoning desire. You could be one who opened your vortex to continually find new things to want, and those desires would continue to summon Life Force through you: you are living raucously, you are living joyously, you are living rambunctiously, you are living passionately… And then, from that same framework — you make a conscious decision to make your transition. ~ Abraham

This is a funny time of year for me as the hot August days wind down and the cooler mornings and evenings slip in. The lake is calm but crowded as tourists cram in the last sweet days of holidays before school starts. I always think of this time as endings and the fall heralding a new year of learning and growth. Too many years working in the education system!

Three years ago on August 23rd, my husband of 19 years passed away at home after a 2 year dance with the Big C – cancer and consciousness.I held his hand and his heart as he took his last breath at 5:55 am. Someone told me that number represents “change”… An understatement!

So yes, a time of reflection for me of all the changes these past few years with many more waiting in the wings. An old friend recently asked me how I have changed since Dugg’s death and it caused me to pause and think about what has transpired…

While I didn’t think I had this “planned” or on my dance card, the experience has been powerful and profound. What I have learned is:

It is truly “not about me”. Death does bring out the worst in families and my husband’s family looked for a scapegoat to project their fears on – me. Members of my own family could not, would not visit or talk about it. As Richard Bach once wrote, “Your true family is the one you’re rarely born into.” I learned to say “fuck ‘em!” A lot.
I am alone but not lonely. I now have way more time to go within, less conversation, more insight. I’m quite happy being with my own company. I buy myself wine, flowers, chocolate. Go to events. Dress for myself. Travelled to France.
I am strong and capable. I can and have figured it out. Technology from computers to sprinkler systems to website design, all is possible to learn with a little help from manuals and Google. I can do it! If I have to. Even the French railway system… on strike!
Loving and trusting mySelf. Despite all the outside opinion, judgement and flack, I know when to breathe, accept and integrate those feelings of self doubt, unworthiness. My darkness is my Divinity and I welcome those aspects back. It’s an inside job.
It is as I’ve created it. So we didn’t have life insurance. Or mortgage. Hindsight is 20/20. My husband was a self-employed designer most of his life and lived for the moment. We’ve had very little and I’ve had quite a lot. No victims here. Again abundance comes from within and is a feeling not a number. It’s going to be okay Master Creator that I am!
Choose life. What do I choose to do? Where do I choose to live once my house sells? What do I enjoy doing? I feel like I’m 22 rather than 52 with a canvas of bright possibilities. A different city. Europe? My husband would never have left this house, this country. Getting ready to let it all go… New adventures await!
When in doubt, breathe!
All IS well.

Interior Renos

Saying “Hell Yeah” to You!

You Want to Make a Memory?

Choosing Life!

About Me

Follow Me

Latest Posts

My Tweets

Upcoming Events

Tags

Light Links

Stay Tuned!



Join My Email List! Email: