Choosing Life!

You could remain in these bodies indefinitely if you would allow your environment to continue to produce new, continuing, life-summoning desire. You could be one who opened your vortex to continually find new things to want, and those desires would continue to summon Life Force through you: you are living raucously, you are living joyously, you are living rambunctiously, you are living passionately… And then, from that same framework — you make a conscious decision to make your transition.  ~ Abraham

This is a funny time of year for me as the hot August days wind down and the cooler mornings and evenings slip in. The lake is calm but crowded as tourists cram in the last sweet days of holidays before school starts. I always think of this time as endings and the fall heralding a new year of learning and growth. Too many years working in the education system!

Three years ago on August 23rd, my husband of 19 years passed away at home after a 2 year dance with the Big C – cancer and consciousness.I held his hand and his heart as he took his last breath at 5:55 am. Someone told me that number represents “change”… An understatement!

So yes, a time of reflection for me of all the changes these past few years with many more waiting in the wings. An old friend recently asked me how I have changed since Dugg’s death and it caused me to pause and think about what has transpired…

While I didn’t think I had this “planned” or on my dance card, the experience has been powerful and profound. What I have learned is:

• It is truly “not about me”. Death does bring out the worst in families and my husband’s family looked for a scapegoat to project their fears on – me. Members of my own family could not, would not visit or talk about it. As Richard Bach once wrote, “Your true family is the one you’re rarely born into.” I learned to say “fuck ‘em!” A lot.
• I am alone but not lonely. I now have way more time to go within, less conversation, more insight. I’m quite happy being with my own company. I buy myself wine, flowers, chocolate. Go to events. Dress for myself. Travelled to France.
• I am strong and capable. I can and have figured it out. Technology from computers to sprinkler systems to website design, all is possible to learn with a little help from manuals and Google. I can do it! If I have to. Even the French railway system… on strike!
• Loving  and trusting mySelf. Despite all the outside opinion, judgement and flack, I know when to breathe, accept and integrate those feelings of self doubt, unworthiness. My darkness is my Divinity and  I welcome those aspects back. It’s an inside job.
• It is as I’ve created it. So we didn’t have life insurance. Or mortgage.  Hindsight is 20/20. My husband was a self-employed designer most of his life and lived for the moment. We’ve had very little and I’ve had quite a lot.  No victims here. Again abundance comes from within and is a feeling not a number. It’s going to be okay Master Creator that I am!
• Choose life. What do I choose to do? Where do I choose to live once my house sells?  What do I enjoy doing? I feel like I’m 22 rather than 52 with a canvas of bright possibilities. A different city. Europe? My husband would never have left this house, this country. Getting ready to let it all go… New adventures await!
• When in doubt, breathe! 
• All IS well.